BRENDA, MY ANGEL

It is 4:40 am. "I". the dog and myself have made more friends this morning in the neighborhood. I feel I am known as the loud lady with the loud dog in the middle of the block. It is so beautiful outside. Especially in the early morning. It is white, cold and quiet. Then I awake and "I" awakes" and it goes downhill from there. This morning the cold air did not stop her from patroling the yard with her crazy yapping. I always armed with a trusty piece of something run after her. Frantically calling her name. I am sure you think, "Why let her out so early." Because she has not been out to the bathroom since nine the night before. Her and I are early risers, so we both go to bed early. So together we shatter the peaceful neighnorhood.

I have written the last two days about my older sister and brother. I have done this because I can. They tell me that is what a blog is, getting to say how you feel about different topics. I wanted to tell you about them, I have one sibling left. My baby sister. She is not as easy to talk about. We lost her to the world as we know it in 1993. To breast cancer,

I had been the baby for almost nine years and it was a very good reign I thought. When all of a sudden my Mother had a baby. Not just a baby who took away my title as the baby of the family. But a blond, curly haired little doll. Who at first sight my folks fell madly in love with. Gone were my days of glory. She was beautiful, cuddly and sweet. With two older sisters and a older brother she become the most spoiled child in the history of America. At least I felt that way at nine. But I loved her. She made my life angony. But I loved her anyway. When she was three I took a box and made a doll house. I told you we were very poor. I cut out pictures of families, furniture, a dog and pasted them inside. I had a doll house, complete with a family. Proudly I set it in my bedroom. I spent long hours playing with it. One day she came in as I sat on the floor. Smiled sweetly at me and promptly stepped on it, the sweet smile never left her face. I lunged for her, she started screaming for Mother. it took at least five loud minutes to get the facts straight. I had not tried to randomly kill her, the battered box left proved that I was provoked.

I never saw a movie all the way through from the time she was three until she was at least seven. I loved to go to the movies on Saturday afternoon. And Mom would usually come up with the dime. "Take your sister," those was always her words as she handed me the coveted dime. The dreaded words, I could go to the movie but I had to take the brat! Fifteen minutes into the first movie she had to go to the bathroom. Then at close intervels she had to go again. I would march her up the asile, pulling the chubby little angel along, muttering under my breath. Then about 30 minutes before the end of the movie she would say loudly. "I want to go home," I would try to keep her quiet, after a few minutes of angry glares we would leave, The ending lost forever. Because I never saw it.

Brenda become my friend. As the years passed the years between us shrunk away. She was pretty, she was fun. She was an introvert. Another quiet, neat one in the family. Mother use to say, "Brenda is so bashful."
Brenda would say to me, "I am not bashful, I am quiet." And she was.

To her heartbreak after she was married she learned she was not able to get pregnant. It was a terrible blow to her. So Brenda and her husband adopted a baby. He quickly become the love of her life. This was her boy. And there was nothing she would not do for him.She loved him, protected him and bought him powdered sugar donuts. She tried so hard to be the perfect Mother. At the age of forty-two Brenda learned she had breast cancer. At a advanced stage. Within a year she was gone. The light of our familes life. It was the saddest time. And she left behind her beloved son. He has grown to be a man. A good man, a good father. He is very close with his birth mother and sibblings now. I know that Brenda is so proud of him and the man he has become. I know she is happy he is close to his Mom. And those great kids of his. I feel the sky must light up when Brenda smiles because of them.

As I close this off I will say the words I have never been able to say since her death. I was the big sister, the one who should have been able to protect you, fight the bad guys away. I wasn't there to do it. I was off fighting my own drama. I know I let you down. If only I could turn back time and be there, holding your hand. The sadness I feel will never leave nor despair for not being there for you. I believe we are all only one heartbeat away from a different life. Life not as we know it now. Wait for me little sis. With your blonde hair and smiling face. For when my last heartbeat that seperates us is no more. I will meet you and I know you will be waiting for me.