THE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR.

It is December 31st. The last day of the year. The older I get the quicker the days fly by, like sand sifting through your fingers. Where did the year go? Where did the last thirty years go. I smiled at my daughter standing in the doorway. I looked away, I thought for just a minute. and now she is fifty. This cannot be my mind cries out. I shouldn't even be fifty. My mind says I am thirty, jumping, leaping along with life. Then I glance into a mirror and am shocked at the complete stranger that stares back at me with the lines on her face and the glazed eyes. This stranger mocks me with those eyes. You are old they are saying. I quickly walk away, not looking back. But I feel her presence walking with me. I have just seen a fleeting glance of the me the world sees. I have to laugh out loud sometimes at the at the irony of it all. Because locked inside is me. I want to yell, I am in here. Please old body, let me out. But I know the truth, this is who I have become. The wrinkled, older lady.

But inside my soul sings. Inside is the stories I have never written, the poetry that still lives in my heart. The girl who wanted to climb a mountain, but never left the ground. I will gather all these things up as I march fearlessly into a New Year. And I will dream of what I will do this year. Because as long as we dream we are still alive.

IT IS SNOWING.

It is 5:00 am and the fine light mist of snow is gently falling. In the shadow of the porch light it gives off a hazy veil, very beautiful. I have always loved the snow. As I get older just not the cold weather that comes with it. But as I watch these seasons come and go, I know beyond a doubt that there is a God with a master plan. These last months I have had my faith tested. I have always believed in God, you do not grow up with a Mother like mine and do not believe in God, I have seen prayers be answered. I have felt God's presence in my very soul when I was alone and in darkness. But so many events have happened that have tested my strong inter beliefs. Yesterday I was so discouraged. Something I had prayed so hard for, had not happened. I thought okay God I won't bother with you with asking anymore. You won't answer anyway. Then around five the call come. The problem had been solved, not the way I had asked, but solved. And in a better way then the way I was praying. I forget sometimes just who I am dealing with. I see things in my own way, because I do not get the whole picture. I see just my own little space. But God the creator of this world scopes out the whole picture, so he knows so much better than me the way to answer. It is very hard to sit back and let someone else be in control, even if it is God.
But this morning with the snow falling softly and the people I care about at home or somewhere safely asleep, I feel at peace. I need more faith, more letting go of the reins. It is hard to change the older we get but I need to work on that very thing. But for today I will sit more quietly, I will be at peace. I will not forget to say thank-you more often to the creator who I know has far more serious matters than a crazy old lady running around, sending out frantic pleas. I will watch the snow fall and enjoy the beauty.

Starting anew.

Yesterday was the first day I started this blog. I have done nothing but think about it since it was posted. Now I am sure nobody even read it, as I told no one about it. But I decided if I am going to do this. I will try to do it right. As I said yesterday I just decided a couple of days ago I would start a blog. I am getting older, and do not like the way many older people are perceived. And I watched the movie Julie and Julia. I do not think in any way this silly little blog will take off and people will read it. But I have things I want to say. So I guess I will just tell them to cyberspace. Maybe somewhere out there, even one single person will come across this and think this is the way I feel.

Christmas left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Which is a very sad statement to make. But sometimes I feel so overwhelmed when I am in these large family crowds. As if I am being judged and have come up very low on the judgement scale. "Crazy old lady I know they are thinking." But of course getting older hasn't made me that way. I have always been silly, a little step off from everyone else. I want this New Year coming up to be a turning point. I want to just go back to being me. You have heard the saying "Dance like there is nobody watching." That is what I want to do. But then come to think of it, that's usually the way I am. There is a poem by Robert Frost, The last few lines say,
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,But I have promises to keep,And miles to go before I sleep,And miles to go before I sleep."
That's how I feel. I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. I will write this blog. And if you are older or think you are misunderstood. Just come along for the miles. Before we sleep.